Dear Mr BoJo
Re: Unleash Britain Fund Appeal
I received your charming fund-raising letter ‘Unleash Britain Fund’ (July 2020) and felt an immediate sense of pride.
It is not often ordinary mortals, like myself, receive such intimate and important letters from people of your stature.
In fact, I was so flattered I asked my grandchildren to stand to attention at the breakfast table while I read them your inspiring words.
Your appeal to the national spirit struck an immediate chord with them. They were so excited by your ideas for their future in the U.K. that they left the kitchen table the moment I finished reading your letter to ran upstairs to check if their passports were up to date. They tell me that they plan to emigrate immediately to help you in your goal of building a truly Global Britain. I can’t tell you how proud I felt.
Get a move on
I was going to point out to them they should get a move on. They will lose the right to live and work in the EU come January 2021 and we can’t expect the intransigent and truculent Mr Barnier to do them any favours in the Brexit negotiations.
But I didn’t because, as you know, young people can’t handle the truth. Jeez! If they knew what was really going on there’d be a permanent picket outside Downing Street!
Anyway, back to the business of your letter.
Precarious finances?
I was shocked to find out how precarious the Tory party finances are. I thought the contributions from Mr Desmond, various gentle folk from Russia and the so-called swivel-eyed loonies who have re-joined you from Mr Farage’s old party meant the party finances were ship shape and Bristol fashion. Clearly, I was mistaken.
I detest the idea of political parties competing for votes on the basis of equal budgets, like you. I am also terrified about what might happen if young people wake up and start voting, so I am willing to donate to your fund safe in the knowledge the Tory party will always prioritise me and my peer group over the whipper snappers.
But what can I get for £20?
A dinner date with Mr Williamson?
I am not naïve enough to think £20 will get me to a Guild Hall dinner. But what Bad Grandma really wants is a dinner date with Mr Williamson who has very shapely buttocks. Is this possible? Or Mr Hancock? I imagine both will have some spare time for fund raising duties after the Autumn reshuffle.
If neither of these is available, I will settle for tea with Mr Jenrick, as my son-in-law has a problem with planning permission for his new garden shed.
Yours sincerely
Bad Grandma
PS
Might your father be available? If so I might stretch to £100.
PPS
If you send Mr Williams please ask him to bring one of his whips.